If Ever There Was Something That Could Be Said
by aki.ari
Summary: Yullentide Entry #3: Absolution - Neah would say Allen was a masochist, but it was clear that in his pain he derived no pleasure. Pain, pain, and more pain until it brought him to his knees. A genuine martyr and nothing less. Allen never once asked for forgiveness. Yullen


**If Ever There Was Something That Could Be Said**

"Any word on where the brat could be?"

Johnny winced at the harsh tone, hand gingerly resting against the side of his head, where the injury was still stubbornly throbbing.

"No, we've tapped almost all of our sources and there's been no trace of him since he left you," Komui's voice sounded through the static of the black golem.

"Tch, useless," Kanda hissed, knocking the golem aside, connection going dead. No one was pleased that he'd gone off to look for Allen without orders, but Kanda could always count on Komui – the man was one of the few people Kanda could say had earned his trust over the years – and the fact that the kooky scientist had a soft spot for Allen didn't hurt either.

"Kanda, we'll find him again," Johnny said, comforting in the genuine desperation he'd seen on Kanda when they'd found that Allen had disappeared again, leaving behind the wreckage of a battle in some side alley not too far from where either of them had been.

Kanda didn't protest, but his mind was working on overdrive, so many worrisome things had transpired over the course of just a few days and now Allen was gone. Allen was gone and there was no telling what state he'd left in, or had been taken in, if Johnny's addled memories could be trusted. The Earl or the Order, which enemy had dragged Allen off? Or had he managed to escape them both? And most worrisome of all… Was he still him?

"If only Tim was here," Johnny sighed not noticing the way Kanda stiffed. Hand resting over his coat pocket where the remnants of the once golden golem, Kanda's expression darkened. This thing. This small mechanical object had cried for Allen. It had sacrificed itself for Allen. Just how fucking messed up was this world?

"Kanda?"

The concerned and utterly disbelieving tone roused Kanda from his thoughts. Looking towards Johnny, wondering as to why the man before him was so blurry – watery even. The realization. Tears? Roughly dragging his sleeve across his face, erasing the proof of that weakness, Kanda shot a glare Johnny's way.

"Y-you really care about him."

It wasn't a question. It wasn't mocking. It was genuine surprise, as though the scientist hadn't believed just how much Allen meant to Kanda. Johnny knew Kanda felt responsible for awakening Allen into Neah. He knew that Kanda regretted allowing his hatred for the order to let him ignore what he'd seen in Paris at Allen's expense. It wasn't just regret though. Kanda had come back for Allen's sake, but this-

"I what?"

Silence.

"You care? For Allen?" Johnny said, more hesitantly at the strange look of disbelief, furrowing Kanda's brows in thought as though he were wondering if this was some sort of truth he'd overlooked.

When Kanda still said nothing Johnny nodded as if having confirmed something for himself. "It's funny now that I think about it, how obvious it should have been. You came back for Allen's sake but-"

"What are you-"

"You came back for your sake as well."

Kanda blinked, uncomprehending. Johnny smiled, shaking his head. That soft expression Kanda owned since he came back, that was because of Allen.

"Hey Kanda don't ever give up on him okay."

Absolution. Not for his transgressions against the Order. Not for the ramifications of his actions and what they meant to the world. All Kanda wanted was forgiveness from the one person that had miraculously managed to work his way into his heart.

"Wait why are you crying?" Kanda startled.

They both deserved peace and Johnny hoped that one day they'd find it.

xXx

"Give him back."

"Oh does he belong to you then?"

Kanda gritted his teeth. No. no he didn't. Perhaps if he hadn't been a complete ignorant moron, then he could say that Allen was his, but the reality was that he hadn't realized his own feelings, let alone had the opportunity to act upon them. He hadn't even had a chance to properly talk with Allen. Not about Alma. Not about what had happened back there.

"I didn't think so. You see, I saw Tim's memories and as far as I can tell, though that child cared deeply for you, those feelings weren't reciprocated. Or am I wrong?"

The tension in Kanda's jaw increased, eyes narrowing sharply, just as pissed off at himself as he was with this stranger wearing Allen's skin, speaking with his voice, that voice he couldn't stop thinking about. Tainted now. Speaking with his voice but not with his words. And what damnably tactless words they were too.

"Oh you didn't even know then? What a tragedy this is, and now it's too late," Neah said, toying with the ribbon about his neck idly. "But it would have been fruitless from the start. You see, he belonged to me long before he ever met you."

Cobalt eyes widening, body going rigid. A drop of lead in the pit of his stomach from anticipation as those lips before him drew into a patronizingly pitying smile.

"Neah, use me. I can be someone, who can protect your memory. Even if it takes dozens of years to pass until your awakening, without fail..."Neah said, voice light, fondly wistful as he recounted the memory. "He really is such a precious fool, giving everything up for someone like me. Even knowing the cost, knowing that one day this sacrifice would mean he'd be erased completely. I have to say I was touched."

Horror stricken _. Erased_. _Completely_. The words echoed in Kanda's mind, the rest of Neah's words washing over him without fully registering. Kanda was sure he'd return to dwell upon everything else at some point, but all he could hear now was the fact that his Allen was gone. Not dead. Not trapped. Not lost. But erased, as if he'd been nothing more than some inconsequential set of data he'd been overwritten by this- This bastard.

"Don't believe me? Well that's just fine I suppose, as much I can say I treasured him, it's Mana's promise I'm bound to fulfill. At any cost. And besides, your Allen isn't quite the same as mine. Though I do have to say I was a bit jealous seeing this face and hearing this voice as this body fell for you. I know it couldn't be helped, he didn't remember those times after all, but it truly irks me that he would have sacrificed everything for _you._ That would have put me in quite a bind. Feels as though I've been cheated on."

"Give him back."

The demand was considerably less motivated than it had been the first time Kanda had said it, but somehow the feeling behind it had morphed. Far from the complete resignation, and perhaps anger Neah had expected, the request – because that's what it was – had been sincere and deeply moving. When a man humbled himself before his enemy for something precious to him it was nothing to scoff at.

"I can't give back what no longer exists."

Neah was taken aback then by the unwavering stare Kanda settled on him – sharp cobalt, like a tempestuous sea. Kanda said nothing more. Turned on his heel, boots clicking against the stony walk as he walked away.

"Are you sure that's how you wanted it to go?" Neah asked after the reverberating echoes had settled.

"Why are you asking me, I was erased wasn't I?" Allen said, tone biting.

"How nostalgic it is to be hearing that smart ass tone from you."

"As you put so eloquently I'm not _your_ Allen, so I'd appreciate if you left your nostalgia wherever the hell it is and don't go stirring it up. It's cluttered enough with you and me, I don't think we can fit any more people in here, even if they are just ghosts."

 _I fought for you Kanda! What I did… It was for you and Alma… I wanted you to be free!_

"I can hear those thoughts of yours, those memories you're bitterly replaying over and over in this pretty little head of ours. I have my promise, that wasn't a lie, and I won't compromise it for anyone or anything, but in so much as you're not completely lost did you really want him to give up on you? It would have been rather comical to watch him try to get you back after all."

"You're a sadist."

"And you're a martyr. Funny pair we make."

 _We were free. That time. You gave us that. And now it's your turn Allen. This time it's my turn to set you free, so don't turn me away._

"He might be able to do it you know. Set you free."

"Don't-"

"Just as a long time ago, someone precious to me made it possible for me to be here like this now, that angry sword wielding fellow of yours could very well find a way to reach you."

 _Absolution_.

"I don't want that."

 _Salvation._

"I don't need that."

"Of course you don't."

What Kanda was offering- As much as Allen wanted to accept that outstretched hand, it was far too late, and he'd be damned if he were to drag Kanda down with him after all this.

A dry mirthless, pitying scoff.

"You cutting him off doesn't guarantee his safety."

Neah's lips turned down, frown creasing his brows and darkening his gaze. The confliction of Allen's feelings welling up inside him, tearing trenches in his resolve. Those two. They almost made him want to cheer them on. What a bloody travesty this was.

 _End_

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A/N: Heck yeah and with that I'm all caught up! Sitting on a not so comfortable couch in a cold and quiet hotel lobby past midnight is a surprisingly productive setting. I'm thankful I'll be going home later though. I'm not fond of hotels. And this posture is probably really bad for my back ^^;

Okay gonna try and get some sleep and I'll get right on the 26/27 prompt: Onsra when I get home! Feels nice not to be behind on prompts~

As always thanks for reading, all comments are very much welcomed and appreciated :)


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